Bad vibes
I had ten years of incorrect technique under my belt when I studied with Martha Gerschefski, Atlanta’s top cello teacher who taught at Georgia State University. She had a lot of young students who played on a very high level so I was the unicorn in her studio- a 23-year old trying to figure out how to not squeeze my bow. During my first lesson, I could overhear a student in the adjacent room practicing their Dvorak Cello Concerto. I assumed it was another college student after me. No. It was a 10-year old student. As I see her walk in I was so embarrassed because Martha was still explaining to me about how to loosen my bow grip as she was unpacking her cello. I was tempted to throw my cello out that fifth story window because from the sounds I heard from this little girl earlier, she could have been the one giving me the lesson. Martha said, “Oh, Mary Beth, this is Sarah. Sarah is from…” and introduced us like we were equals.
This little girl said, “Hi, where are you from, Mary Beth?”
I was really embarrassed being in the same room as her. I glanced at her, questioning my musical career choice, gave her my one word answer and then looked back down. She didn’t seem to notice my rude behavior and still smiled at me.
I ended up warming up to her after the next lesson and we chatted each week as our lessons switched over. Sarah just kept trying to make conversation with me and I finally caved in. Martha made it clear in her studio- how you play is irrelevant to how you treat people.
I was hosting a group class a few years ago and my student Steve came who hadn’t been able to attend for a few months. Steve was always a little rough around the edges and though I tried to encourage him to be more social and friendly, I wasn’t making much headway. Typically my students laugh and catch up before we start the performance part of the class. I made sure I trained my studio to execute the “we are equals” vibes. It was a real bummer when I could feel a sense a dread fall over the room as they noticed him walk in. He had a reputation as the gruff cellist who solos with his youth orchestra and recently won first chair in All-State Orchestra. I was having sympathy pain flash backs for my older beginner students.
I pulled a Martha:
“Steve is from Asheville just like you, Ashley. Have either of you gone on any hikes there?” Ashley hangs her head low, “No.” Steve says: “No.” Steve, UGH, you are not helping my cause. I make fun of both them lightly, “Wow, you both have so much to add to that…”
No response.
Fail.
I tried an icebreaker to chill them out. As they’re each naming their answers like they’re about to be drafted off to war, I could sense fear, shame and insecurity wash all over that room. I recited my most polished Ted Talk about how we are all equals…blah, blah blah. I said, “Ok, time to perform. I know you’re nervous, but you just have to perform anyway.” Because Steve didn’t show a curious side and try to get to know the others in the group, they stayed threatened by him for the rest of the class. Because the other kids didn’t show a curious side towards Steve, the threatened vibe permeated the space for the rest of class. Insecurity will trigger some big nerves and can knock a performance down a solid 40%-100%. The silver lining to this entire experience is that musicians will bomb at some point later in life and they have to remember how to get up after the failed performance.
Steve didn’t realize his body language was saying, “I think I am better than you.”
In rare cases, some people purposefully display the “I’m better than you” vibe because they want to send you this message: “You are less successful than me.” This one-upping says to me that their self worth lies in how well they play their instrument. Yikes. My goal is to try to be more like Sarah when I encounter these types of people. I ignore the insecure vibe and continue to be curious despite the other person barely looking back at me. Maybe that person was just pondering a way fo throw their cello out a fifth story window like I did that one day.